Updated: 13th April 2017
Have you ever sat at a table full of people in a restaurant and wanted to give them five across the eyes for the pointless dish they ordered? Many people are afraid to think outside the box and order boring, bland dishes instead of what the restaurant specializes in.
Grilled Cheese, WTF?:
Come on, really? Did you seriously just order a grilled cheese? Any half-wit can make a grilled cheese in minutes at home and not pay the $7 it will cost you at a restaurant. Grilled cheese is such a boring, bland comfort food. Doesn’t that nice, juicy burger for the same price look much more appetizing? If you really want a grilled cheese, go to a fast food joint where they will at least only burn $3 out of your wallet. The whole reason restaurants even put grilled cheese on the menu is because it costs them almost nothing to make, and they want something simple for kids and picky eaters. The reason they charge so much is because they don’t want you to order it. Ordering a grilled cheese sandwich is practically an insult to the chef.
Another boring chicken breast sandwich:
It doesn’t matter where you go or what you do, boneless chicken breast is bland and dry, so why order it at a restaurant? If you are that concerned about your health, then maybe you shouldn’t be eating out at restaurants at all. What’s so hard about throwing a chicken breast on a grill for a few minutes and sticking it on a store-bought bun? So what if it’s a dollar cheaper than any of the other sandwiches. You are eating out to enjoy yourself, so be frugal with that extra buck and get something worthwhile.
Baked barbecue hell:
This is one huge no-no. Don’t order any bbq unless it’s a bbq restaurant with a pile of wood out back. If the restaurant doesn’t specialize in barbecue, you will end up with a dried up, tough, and tasteless piece of meat with a disgusting sugared-down, tangy barbecue sauce. Unlike the Nike commercial, just don’t do it. There are plenty of good bbq places in and around the city, so don’t waste your time ordering it at a place that doesn’t specialize in it. The whole point of barbecue is the smokiness.
Just a side salad for the lady:
Are you seriously that insecure about your looks that you feel the need to fool everybody by ordering a side salad only to make yourself look like a healthy eater? Well I got news for you sister; now I think you are anorexic! That ranch dressing you ordered with your pile of iceberg lettuce and two tomato slices makes it an unhealthy dish, so try some real food next time – it’s much more attractive.
I think I will just have the soup:
Why don’t you just be honest with yourself and say, “I think I will just be a cheap skate.” Unless you are eating at a place that specializes in soup, you will look foolish only ordering soup.
Can I have some ketchup and A1 sauce?:
No, no, and no! If you add ketchup or A1 sauce to any food at a restaurant, you will be destroying the flavor. Steak sauce is an abomination to steak, and ketchup is only acceptable for dipping your fries in. Here’s a tip: don’t order your freakin meat well done and you won’t need the nasty steak sauce! On a side note, Heinz 57 is also an abomination.
Oh, the Salisbury steak looks good:
Why don’t you just go commit a felony and get locked up in prison. Salisbury steak is nothing but cheap, disgusting prison-style food. There is nothing appetizing about a piece of smashed up low-grade beef smothered in beef boullion and water.
Hey, let’s go to Applebees for dinner:
This one applies to all big national chain restaurants. All those places like Panda Express, Fridays, Chilis, and Applebees get their food straight from a factory. Do you really want to put manufactured goods and strange chemicals in your body? Not to mention, these places usually charge more than a real restaurant. If you like the taste of two year old food, xanthan gum, and preservatives then maybe you should just take your lame palate to one of these places.
Give me an open-faced turkey sandwich:
I’m sorry, but do you live in a retirement home? This isn’t The Great Depression, so why are you ordering food they only serve in retirement homes, schools, and correctional institutions? Paying $9 for a piece of Wonder Bread with a couple slices of turkey and chicken boullion gravy is just plain insanity. Don’t forget to order the boxed potatoes with it!
For an entrée, I think I will have the cheese quesadillas:
Don’t get me wrong, quesadillas are awesome and make a great appetizer, but the price is a rip-off and unless these are some totally amazing, exotic quesadillas. Why would you order them as your main course? It’s just cheese melted in a tortilla, but yet places charge $9 for two of them. Quesadillas as a main course is a scam, so don’t buy into it!
What a fancy Italian restaurant, I will have the spaghetti and meatballs:
Italian restaurants can sometimes have the most amazing, out of this world pasta dishes you will find anywhere. With dozens of varieties to choose from, why are you wasting your time ordering the most boring pasta dish of them all? Save yourself the $20 and boil some noodles with a jar of Ragu if you want spaghetti that bad. Save the real pasta dishes for those that will appreciate them.
I’d like some garlic bread for an appetizer:
What a huge scam! How restaurants get away with charging $4 for a piece of bread with butter and garlic is beyond me. Most of the time, they take shortcuts using margarine and garlic powder anyway. Garlic bread should be complementary. If it isn’t, then don’t buy it!